Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it hurts more in the daytime
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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