mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
