How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
