I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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