my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
