He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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