There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
