i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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