I wish I could punch you in the face.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
