Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
