I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
