There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
