Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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