do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
