Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
