I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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