Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
