I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
