Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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