"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
