I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
