I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
