I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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