Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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