omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
