I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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