Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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