Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
