3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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