there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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