I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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