someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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