He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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