I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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