look no pants
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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