I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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