I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
