my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
