I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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