Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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