I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
