MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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