Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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