I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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