He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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