you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
