remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Randomize
