Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
