It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
