The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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